Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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