Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
this is an emotional support booty call
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
