There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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