your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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