Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
