The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
