What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
