My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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