did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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