When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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