I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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