I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
