he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize