Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
