I just pynch a tree in the face
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
my liver is dry heaving
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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