So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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