The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
