i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
