So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I need to sanitize my soul.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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