If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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