I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
