No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
