So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize