Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
