Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Just pee around me
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
