someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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