Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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