I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
