everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
