i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
