I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
