hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
