I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
did i walk over a car last night?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
