first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
