i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
