My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
