Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
