Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
