You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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