i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
