I faked an abortion last night.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
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