I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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