i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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