i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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