and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
