I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
