There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
