She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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