i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
