OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
