I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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