my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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