You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
