Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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