I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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