There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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