OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
It's not a walk of shame if you run
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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