I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
