omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
