her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Randomize