I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
